Three things I learned from men, that I couldn’t learn from women
This is part one of a two-part series.
Three Things I Learned From Women, That I Couldn't Learn From Men is part two.
When I set out to write this, my intention was broad, I didn’t initially plan to focus on work and career life lessons. However, when I thought about what I have learned from men that has been valuable to my journey, with the caveat that I haven't experienced the same lessons through interactions with women, the only things that showed up were about the workplace.
It would be easy for readers to turn this post into a rant about The Patriarchy in the comments, but I want this to be constructive and actionable. Yes, some of these lessons are touching on areas of life as a woman, living in a Patriarchical society - I am acknowledging this up-front. My hope is women can still take value from these lessons, and empower themselves to make progress amidst the realities we all live in today.
I hold each of the men who taught me these lessons in high regard. I consider all of them to be supporters of the Feminist Movement, as they each supported me to advance far beyond what I thought was possible for myself. I am hopeful that some of you will have some incredible non-work lessons to add in the comments, balancing out my own experiences of men and the lessons they have taught me.
1. Don’t let perfectionism hold you back
When I started my first business in 2009, it was a steep learning curve. Within months of taking the leap, I started working crazy hours, never really switching off from the work (hello, workaholism!) and it was taking a toll on me.
One of my previous strategic mentors, Matt Jones (we worked in strategy together at Jack Morton Worldwide) had also branched out on his own. We were trading notes of our solopreneurial experiences one day, and he shared a piece of advice that has been a mantra for me ever since.
"If it's not shit, then ship it."
This was during a time when Seth Godin had made the term "ship it" a bit of a buzzword with his book Linchpin. Matt pointed out that he thought the standard of my work far exceeded the expectations of most clients. Matt challenged me to get my strategic presentations to a point of being "not shit" by my own high standards, and then "ship it", meaning I should email it out at that point.
The thought of this gripped in my stomach. I knew he was right. It was not unusual for me to stay up until 2am or later, finessing and fussing over the work and the design, letting my self-doubt cast a shadow over the value of the work I'd already created.
I committed to him that I would try it. I wrote the phrase on a post-it note and stuck it to my computer screen, where I would see it every minute that I was working.
The next project came in, and for the first time, I got the strategic recommendation to a point where I knew it probably ticked all the boxes, but I was still unhappy with some of the wording, layout, design and imagery. My stomach sank. 'This is it', I thought, 'this is the "not shit" version of my strategy that I should email to my client right now'. It was 4pm and I needed to pick my son up from school. I felt physically ill as I hit send on that email, silently cursing my commitment to Matt and that damn post-it note. 'This client will probably fire me', I told myself. 'I wouldn't blame them', said my inner critic. I think I may have even Shhh'd myself out-loud as I left to pick my son up from school.
When I came back from school pick-up about 45 minutes later, I sat down to do one last sweep of my email before starting on dinner. There was a reply from my client. I hesitated before opening it, feeling nauseous, sure that it was going to be full of critical feedback.
"Justine! This work is incredible! I have read through it and only have 2 questions. Can we get on a call tomorrow?"
Wow. I recall sitting in my chair as the relief washed over me. Matt was right - no one noticed the "missing work" but me. By taking his advice, I had saved myself another 8-10 hours of work (obsessing) over minutiae that the client wouldn’t even notice. I still remind myself, almost daily, to ship my work before I think it's 100% bulletproof ready. This simple lesson has saved me weeks, maybe months, of extra work over the years, and challenged me to reprogram my perfectionism.
THE LESSON
This story is not just mine. It's been scientifically proven that women are significantly more prone to being perfectionists, holding ourselves back from answering a question, applying for a new job, asking for a raise, until we are 100% sure we can predict the outcome. In my case, this usually manifested as putting in far more work than was required or noticed by the client.
Through dozens of interviews, scientific research and even experiments in genetic testing, The Confidence Code is a book written by two women, and takes on the science and art of self-assurance.
According to the book, women are far more likely to doubt our opinions and begin our sentences with “I don’t know if this is right, but—.” We are more prone to “rumination” than men – which causes us to overthink and overanalyze.
When a professional endeavor goes wrong, women are more likely to blame themselves. Yet when something goes right, they are more likely to credit circumstance – or other people – for their success. (Men do the opposite.)
2. Be yourself at all times
When I was 24 years old, I was offered a role in middle management at a television network in Sydney, Australia. I was not only the youngest person in that role amongst my peers, I was also the only female.
There were not a lot of women in senior executive roles at the network, and when I looked around the industry, the women I saw at the top of their game were pristine, polished, articulate, professional bad-asses with strong masculine energy. This was 20 years ago, and no women were sharing their stories of using feminine energy to 'make it' in business at that time.
One day, the head of the department, Grant Blackley, asked for a minute with me. He asked a few questions, about how I was enjoying the role, took a genuine interest in my answers, and then he asked if he could offer an observation.
"I want our clients to see more of the Justine that we all see around the office".
This was Grant's very polite way of pointing out that I would switch into overly-professional mode, in an attempt to mask my age, inexperience and my imposter syndrome, any time I was interacting with an external stakeholder. (What we both didn't know at the time was that I was also unconsciously doing that, to a lesser extent, around my colleagues in the office - but that’s another story).
While my comfort with 'being myself' in a professional setting took a few years to establish, it was this advice that allowed me to see that my unique personality played a role in the success I achieved in the workplace. I didn't need to act like the older males in the same role to be accepted, valued or rewarded. I could pave my own path, with my own unique style.
THE LESSON
I didn't truly appreciate the gift of these words until later in my career when I began to mentor women who were hungry to make their mark in the workplace. We (women) are too quick to put on the brave/tough façade in the workplace, we think we need to push and hustle the same way the men do. Women have different gifts, and as a result, our needs are different. Standing in that truth is empowering. In my experience, this not only propels us forward in leaps and bounds, it also attracts the right opportunities and the leaders that support us to be ourselves.
I am grateful to have had some truly extraordinary male leaders support me to be myself in the workplace. They barely flinched when I would cry in their office (many women seem shocked when I tell them how often I have openly cried in front of my male bosses), they'd respect my boundaries as a solo parent to my son, I have rarely felt like I've been overlooked or treated unfairly - I believe this is because I have felt comfortable to stand my ground, be myself and ask candidly for what I need. For this, I am grateful to Grant for the words he shared with me in my early career.
3. Negotiate like a man
I read a lot about the wage gap and I don't deny this is a legitimate problem, especially for people of colour and even more pronounced for indigenous communities. Read more about this here. I'm not denying there's unconscious bias, and employers have a responsibility to close this gap (in fact, read part two in this series for more on this). What I'd like to offer in this lesson, are a couple of empowered actions that women can take to close some of that gap.
THE LESSON - PART I
Ask 3-4 impartial males that have worked with you previously to tell you what the role you're stepping into would pay if the candidate were a man with the same credentials and experience as you.
Since I was in my early 20s, I have not negotiated a salary for a new job, nor a raise or promotion, without first consulting with my male friends in the industry who were incredibly successful in their own right. To be clear, I was never asking my male colleagues at the company I worked for to divulge their salary - I sought objective, third-party input. Every time I did this, I would have a figure in my mind before asking for advice, and every time the responses were 25-30% more than what I had valued myself at.
THE LESSON - PART II
Ask for what you’ll be worth at the end of next year, vs what you think you're worth right now.
If you read the articles linked in the foot of Lesson #1 up there, you will have clocked this:
"Men are 4 times more likely than women to negotiate a raise. Women applied for a promotion only when they met 100 percent of the qualifications. Men applied when they met 50 percent."
Put another way, men negotiate for the role they are going to grow into, and women negotiate for the role they feel 100% pre-qualified to step into. There is no amount of affirmative action in the wage gap policy of the world's organizations that can fix this - that's up to each of us, as individuals.
One thing women can immediately start doing is projecting how much they will be worth by the end of next year, and asking for that NOW. That's what it takes to negotiate like a man.
Photo by Travis Seera