From Workaholic to Wokeaholic
Have you ever found yourself wondering if you’ve been doing life all wrong? Have you ever achieved something in your career, something you’d been striving for over many years, and once you got there… you didn’t feel the way you thought you’d feel in that moment? I’ve experienced both.
This is the story of my on-going journey from Workaholic to Wokeaholic.
For more than 40 years, I lived my life by the social scripts given to me. You know the ones — “work hard, get paid” and all of the similar versions of this message. I never questioned this. However, I didn’t necessarily have a clear plan for my career. I left high school with a strong outcome on paper, but didn’t see the point in attending University when I was so unclear in my direction. Instead, I took a year-long, accelerated Diploma in Business course, discovered a natural talent for marketing, and was working full time in an office by the age of 19.
The career moves I made from there were largely a case of being opportunistic, rather than anything intentional or delicately planned. Most of the advances were moves made because they were another step up the ladder, or a chance to learn something new. Some people know what the top of that ladder looks like, they may even have a perspective on what the top of that ladder will feel like. For me, it was more basic than that — better title meant more money. According to the social scripts I was given, particularly by my father, money equals success. So that’s what I pursued.
I’m not going to list my ‘achievements’ in this blog post — mostly because I have such a different perspective on them now — but if you are interested in hearing more of my early journey, you could listen to my friend Marc Champagne interview me for KYO Conversations.
Fast forward to 2018. On paper, I seemed highly successful. At the top of that aforementioned ladder, with the fancy C-Suite title, working in New York City (where dreams are made, apparently), with one of the internet’s most recognizable personalities as my boss — Mr Gary Vaynerchuk.
I felt the complete opposite of successful though. I regularly felt like I was trapped at the bottom of an avalanche, and the only way I could dig myself out from under the weight of it all was to work harder.
I was physically unwell, my adrenals had all but given up and the Hashimotos autoimmune that was tearing my thyroid to shreds was thriving off the stress hormones. My mental health was held together with tape. If it wasn’t for my daily meditation practice, it could’ve been a lot worse.
For most of my time living in New York City, it seemed like the very thing that had gotten me to this point of material success — hard work and tenacity — was going to be my undoing.
This is what I can admit now, that I couldn’t admit until about a year ago — I am a workaholic.
I don’t use that term lightly. We often throw that word around when referencing people who obsess about their work, or those who work more than we believe to be reasonable — but there’s more to workaholism than this. For example, if you feel completely lit up by the work you do, you derive meaning and joy from your career, and you regularly work an 80 hour week… that’s a completely different set of motivations than that of a workaholic.
A BRIEF TAXONOMY OF WORKAHOLISM
Malissa Clark, PhD, is an assistant professor in the department of psychology at the University of Georgia, and according to an article she published in Fast Company in 2018, these are a few of the leading causes of overwork:
Motivational: Workaholics are different from people who are simply highly engaged in their jobs. They don’t enjoy their work; they feel compelled to work because of internal pressures. In other words, they work because they feel like they should or ought to be working.
Cognitive: Workaholics have persistent thoughts about work when they’re not working, and they find it difficult to mentally disengage from work.
Emotional: Workaholics experience negative emotions like anxiety and guilt when they aren’t working.
Behavioral: Workaholics tend to work beyond what is reasonably expected of them by their organization.
Do you identify with any of these? Sadly, I see myself in all four of them. The symptoms showed up in many ways that I consistently ignored. An annual existential crisis about the lack of meaning in my work that I commonly joked about. Working through the night without sleep, long after my colleagues had switched off for the day, fueled by my anxiety, silent resentment, need for perfection, or a deadline that was usually self-imposed. If I was at home after a full day of work, my laptop would be in my lap or near me — I rarely fully switched off, even when I was out for a social activity with friends. There was always something that needed attending to. I would complain about how stressed I was, how tired I felt, how frustrated I was — and the answer (in my head) to these challenges was always ‘more work’. And the worst of it, my identity was so intricately woven with my value at work, that I’d routinely sacrifice almost everything else in my life in the name of work. That included my role as a mother, my friendships, my connection to myself and more. I felt that if work wasn’t going well, it meant I was a failure, worthless and, if I’m honest, unlovable.
Read the above and substitute ‘work’ for alcohol, drugs or even sex. It’s bad, right? I would be labeled as having a serious problem and likely be in rehab. When it’s an addiction to work… well, that’s easier to overlook, label it as the reason for their success or dismiss as someone exaggerating or taking the “busy badge” to the extreme. This is not OK.
THE DAY I WOKE UP
There is a day that I can mark on my calendar, the anniversary of when I realized I had been ‘doing life’ all wrong. August 29, 2018. This was the date that I realized I only had three short years left of my son being in my orbit every day. In 2021, my son will be finishing high school.
This sharp, searing realization sliced through me. In contrast with the previous 6 weeks of ‘peak workaholism’, in that instant, I knew — something had to change.
As if that message wasn’t loud and clear enough, there was another day, a week later, while presenting some career-defining, industry-shaping, game-changing thought leadership to my boss… I realized two things simultaneously. First, that in this moment, I had achieved exactly what I’d been striving and working so hard for in my career. And second, I did not feel happiness, joy or even gratitude about this achievement, not even for an instant.
I literally felt nothing. It was like an out-of-body experience.
I experienced that entire meeting from a birds-eye view, watching myself and other people’s reactions. I felt zero attachment to the outcome. Whether this work progressed to the next stage, or if it was cancelled on the spot — I didn’t care. I was numb to my core.
I went home that night and told my son that I was going to leave my job, and we were going to leave New York City as soon as possible. At the time, I had no idea what I would do next, where we would go, when, or how. I just knew I couldn’t keep allowing this same old script to keep playing out.
FROM WORKAHOLIC TO WOKEAHOLIC*
* I’m not advocating we trade one addiction for another. It seemed like a catchy title for a post, so I ran with it.
So where am I now? I am in Recovery, with a capital R. I am reprogramming my subconscious, practicing stillness, making slower choices, getting out of my head, learning more about why I am the way I am - so that I can redesign my approach to ‘making a living’. So that I can thrive, not just survive. There is a lot to unpack about this — which I will do over the coming series of posts. I hope you’ll join me for the ride.
The short version sounds simple in theory. It is harder in practice, but so worth it.
I am exploring what work feels like as a spiritual practice, rather than a money-making necessity for living in modern times.
By shifting the energy of workaholism towards ‘wokaholism’ I have unlocked more joy, meaning, creativity, inspiration, and opportunities than I ever thought possible. I feel genuinely grateful every single day.
I now prioritize practices that empower me to stay ‘in flow’, listen to my heart and make decisions based on how it feels in my body.
I’m learning to say ‘no’ without over-explaining my reasons, apologizing unnecessarily, or feeling guilty for days afterward.
I have learned to surrender and trust that The Universe has my back, and I don’t need to strive or push to make everything happen by myself.
I manage my energy, rather than my time. I have more time at home. More naps. More baths. More rituals that keep me connected to nature, the lunar phases and the cycles of feminine energy.
I make more conscious purchase decisions — such as reducing my consumption of non-recyclables and plastics by 75% — and resisting the urge to take short-cuts or purchase for convenience.
I now work as an independent contractor, which allows me more control over my work environment, who I work with, when and how. It also enables me to create mental/emotional space from the clients and work that I get paid to deliver.
I’m traveling far less for work by asking one simple question each time work travel is discussed.
I have let go of my attachment to titles and have become far more adept at identifying when a choice is being made from my Ego, or my heart.
I choose clients and collaborators based on the alchemy of my intuition, how passionate I am about the brand / product / project and how being around the person (or people) feels in my body.
Recovery is a process, and a daily practice. This is the first time I am talking about my experiences with the language of addiction and recovery. It feels scary, but also liberating. This post and you reading it, this is part of my recovery - so thank you for making it this far.
I want to make it clear that I don’t have this all figured out yet, and I am healing, growing and learning more every single day. I am not a medical practitioner or trained addiction counsellor. None of what I have shared here is a substitute for professional mental health support or medical care. If you have read this and feel concerned that you, or someone you know, may be suffering with workaholism, I recommend reading through these questions and browsing the resources on that site as a next step.
Photo by Stijn Dijkstra