What I learned from women, that I couldn’t learn from men
This is part two of a two-part series.
Read Three Things I Learned From Men, That I Couldn't Learn From Women.
I’ll be honest, this piece was a tough one to write. Not because I have a lack of learnings from women, but because the male vs female debate has become rather binary and sometimes heated in recent years, which has me choosing my words carefully. I’m not one to shy away from a challenge, nor to censor myself in fear of criticism — but I am conscious that sometimes context can be lost in non-verbal communications.
These are my experiences and my lessons. I invite anyone reading this to add their own in the comments.
1. When it comes to parenting, trust your intuition.
Growing a baby inside me was hands down the most connected to my body I've ever felt in my life. It kinda felt like my intuition came 'online' during my pregnancy. It was like a light turned on, but I hadn't realized I was in the dark before that moment.
That said, I didn’t consistently listen to it straight away. I did buy all the books while pregnant. All of them. And then promptly donated them to my local library within weeks of giving birth.
There was no instruction manual for being a solo mother. I sensed that my baby was the instruction manual - I'd listen to him, and I'd know what to do. It seemed to work for us, but it also seemed to irritate a lot of 'by-the-book' people. Everyone had an opinion on how to raise my son, and were eager to explain the 'bad habits' I was creating with my intuitive parenting approach. It surprised me how many men were the first to cast a judgey look, or a snide remark - whether they had children or not, most men I knew seemed to think my newborn should operate like a timesheet, not a tiny human. In spite of all the ‘noise’ (and judgment), my intuition continued to intervene and save the day when my son wouldn’t stop crying, or the juggle of parenting on my own threatened to consume me.
I made a split decision to move to Melbourne when my son was six months old. Childcare was impossibly difficult to access without having placed my child's name on a list when he was a fetus. I turned to the internet to find a nanny that would understand and support my parenting philosophy. This was 2003, so when I say ‘the internet’, I mean 'parenting forums' - possibly one of the scariest places on this internet at the time. I navigated my way to a Natural Parenting forum, where I met a small group of wonderful suburban Melbourne women who subscribed to more alternative, gentle parenting, and attachment-theory. It was in the supportive and open-minded company of these women that I fully gave myself permission to not only trust my intuition as a parent, but to allow this inner knowing to become the primary method for raising my son on my own. Two of them became a huge part of the next 3 years of my son’s life - as his nannies, while I returned to work. I will never forget the kindness of these women and the support they gave me as I navigated the wild ride of conscious, intuitive parenting.
REFLECTION PROMPTS
Are my parenting decisions are made from fear, or love?
When my friends ask for parenting advice, do I give them my perspective, or do I help them to draw their own solutions from their inner wisdom and innate understanding of their own children?
When have I made a parenting choice (in my head) while resisting a feeling that this choice is not quite right (in my body)?
2. Seek out an Executive Sponsor, in addition to a mentor.
When I was about 28 or 29 years old, I'd stepped into my first role with 'strategy' in my title. Even though my previous roles were strategic, the expectation that came with having that word in my title had me in search of a new mentor. The company had recently hired a new Group Director across multiple departments, after a decade at Nike in global marketing roles - her name was Joe Pollard. The head of my department, Sally Millet, was instrumental in helping me to arrange to have Joe as my mentor. I learned a great deal from both of these women, but Sally was the one who went to bat for me with leadership when I wanted a promotion, when I requested a raise, when I asked for a mentor, and when I wanted to present a new business case. Sally was my executive sponsor.
While mentors have immense benefits, sponsors have a more direct impact on your career. While both can provide guidance and advice, a sponsor actively advocates for you, includes you in their professional network, introduces you to key people and can often feel more personally invested in your professional advancement. Unlike mentorship, a sponsor relationship isn't something you can straight out ask for - it happens more organically and is a product of nurturing a professional relationship with a person you work with, who has a high degree of influence within the company.
As a female building a career in a patriarchal system, having a sponsor that advocates for you in rooms that you cannot access yourself (yet) - that is priceless.
REFLECTION PROMPTS
Who in my career could already be my executive sponsor? How can I nurture that relationship more?
Who are the people who I can turn to for advice? Who are the people I can turn to for action and advocacy?
3. We've gotta have each other's backs. Period.
When I was growing up in Sydney, Australia, I subconsciously perceived other women as my competition - at school, on the sporting field, and in the messiness of youthful romance and dating. I could write for days about why women compete with each other, but others have done a great job articulating it, and it's not the point of this lesson.
In the past decade, my perspective on this has shifted dramatically. I’d like to give a shout-out to all the entrepreneurial Millennial females who have shown me this through their ‘Collaboration Over Competition’ approach to building their online businesses and personal presence on social media. It’s inspired me in many ways, and it woke me up to my unconscious bias. It’s clear to me now, and I think it’s becoming clearer to the world - when women support other women, extraordinary things happen.
Some of the ways I’ve tried to act on this lesson are to become an executive sponsor for a variety of incredible women, to take an active role in closing the gender pay gap in the teams I have been privileged to lead, and to stand up for women whose voices may not be as loud as my own. This year I have had a deliberate focus on partnering with other women, and it has been one of my most significant years of personal growth yet. May we always have each others’ backs, ladies.
REFLECTION PROMPTS
Are there women in my life that I compare myself to? What is it about them that I admire (note where you also feel envious)? Journal about this and use this understanding to expand your perspective on what’s possible for you!
In what ways could you collaborate with the women you journaled about?
If you are responsible for a team, do some analysis on the wage discrepancies between the men and women in your team. Ask yourself honestly - why does this discrepancy exist? What steps can you take to be personally accountable for resolving these discrepancies in the coming year?
Photo by Johan De Jager