What I learned about Surrender while waiting for my work visa
How could doing less rather than doing more be the answer to achieving your dreams?
It seems counter-productive, to some it may even seem counter-intuitive. I would certainly have been one of those people in previous years. Prior to the time of this story, I learned a lot about surrender through meditation and my teacher training. I understood it in theory, and in my meditation practice. But it wasn’t until I was forced to learn the true art of surrender with my eyes open, in the everyday moments, that I fully appreciated the power and beauty of completely letting go.
It's a pretty tough time to be applying for a working visa in the USA - even a temporary one. Nonetheless, when I decided to leave New York City, my son and I weren't quite ready to return home to Australia yet. The reasons are irrelevant to this story, so let me just outline the facts:
In the first week of April 2019, we applied to have our visa status transferred from one class of working visa to a different class of working visa.
We were told it could take between 3 and 8 weeks to be processed.
During that time, I was not permitted to work in the USA.
The approval for the visa status transfer was never guaranteed. We could easily have waited through this period, only to be denied. In the case of a denial, we would've had about one week to pack everything up and leave the country.
The approval (hooray!) for our new visas came through in the last week of July 2019, 16 weeks after I first signed the application - almost 4 months.
4 months of uncertainty. 4 months of not knowing if we would be permitted to stay, or would need to pack up and leave. It was during this 4 month period that I was immersed in a visceral learning curve.
The curriculum? The Art of Surrender.
Here is what I took away from that experience:
1. Surrender feels like purgatory at first... until it feels like liberation
Once we submitted our paperwork to the US officials, there was nothing I could do, except wait. There's no way to know for sure how long it will take. No way to predict the outcome of the petition.
At first, this felt like being in a big, dark vacuum of information. How could I plan anything in here? I am pretty comfortable with the unknown, but after we passed the 8-week mark, this was taking the unknown to new and unchartered territory. Each time I made a long-range plan, like signing a year-long lease on a home, I would worry about what I'd do, in the event our visa was denied.
With no ability to plan anything further than a day or two, I started scheduling my days with all the activities that I thought would support me in my surrender - nature walk each morning, meditation, nourishing breakfast accompanying time with my book, lunch in the sun, more meditation, journaling time, making dinner with fresh produce from the market. Initially unaware this was a way of artificially controlling to satiate my need for more certainty. Even by crafting my days with more mindfulness, I was trying to avoid feeling like I was in limbo.
The breakthrough happened slowly and almost without me realizing. It reminded me of when I first learned to meditate. At first, every time I sat down, I tried hard to meditate. It was unfulfilling and somewhat exhausting. Then, over time, I began to let go of the trying, until one day it was completely effortless and I forgot I was meditating at all. I had learned the art of surrender with my eyes closed. And now, I was applying this to my eyes-open state. It slowly became more effortless to flow through the day and not have a single worry cross my mind. I slowly felt liberated from the need to know the outcome.
2. Surrender feels like giving your power away… until it feels like the most powerful way to move through the world
I've spent most of my life making the world around me conform to my will. I got rather good at it. Friends and family would say "once Justine makes her mind up about something, nothing will stand in her way of achieving it" - and they were right. Even when I didn't have a clear plan, I just knew in my gut it would work out, because I would make it so. I believed that my will was more powerful than anything 'out there' (I’m gesturing by waving my hands wildly around me).
There's something about handing over your fate to a bureaucratic government department that is very humbling. There were no actions I could take, no amount of emails or phone calls to my immigration attorney would speed things up, or guarantee an outcome. I had no power. My will alone wasn't enough. This was out of my hands. I had to believe that there was a will greater than my own that would ultimately prevail, and I had to trust that whatever happened - it was for a good reason. I found myself handing over my power, and putting faith and trust in external forces to deliver the outcome I wanted.
Here's the thing about pretending we are the only powerful force in our lives - it leads to endless striving, pushing, and hustling. It creates an armour around us, as we battle through to plant that flag and claim what's ours. It keeps us trapped in our yang, masculine energy and spikes our cortisol levels. Learning to surrender to a force greater than us - whether we call that The Universe, a higher power, God or something else - only requires us to take a deep breath, open our hearts, trust and ASK. Then listen, notice and read the signs. Sounds too simple to be true, which is why I had to experience the positive outcomes of this, in order to believe it.
3. Surrender taught me that stillness is more expanding than striving
Somewhere during my 4 months of waiting for my visa, I realized that this time was a gift, I let go of the need to know what would happen next, let go of planning my next move, and simply enjoyed each day, exactly as it showed up. I was the most still - in mind, heart, and soul - that I'd ever been.
Previously, I would never have willingly taken this much time out from earning money. After all, I'd gotten ahead, expanded my horizons and advanced my career by striving and going-the-extra-mile for what I'd set my sights on. I reminded myself: that approach led me down a path that left me feeling burned out and numb. When I was too focused on ego-centric 'achievements' - be it a job title, a promotion, a certain salary - I had overlooked all the magic that was right in front of my eyes.
Surrender allowed me to notice all the synchronicities and signs that confirmed The Universe has my back. The more 'still' I was, the more I felt these forces greater than me rise to support me. How? Unexpected cheques in the mail, unrequested refunds to my credit card, new contacts and friends to teach me more about myself, collaboration opportunities that could generate a more passive income stream, people reaching out - unprompted - to ask for coaching or mentoring... I could go on.
Surrender taught me that by striving, I'd been pushing against the natural flow of where I am supposed to be. It required so much effort to do that.
If feels like the difference between making a fist, or keeping your palm open and steady.
With a closed fist, you can hold on tightly and pull yourself along towards your goal, sure. But with an open palm, you can stay right where you are, exert much less effort and remain open and ready to receive.
4. Surrender opens a portal to your intuition and creativity
I had suspected that the time out from normal work-life would open a floodgate of ideas. I knew from the experience of bringing greater mindfulness into the workplace, that my best thinking and ideas naturally spring forth when I am more still and less distracted (read about that on The Mindful).
What I didn't anticipate was how much deeper my connection to intuition would become. I'd been meditating consistently and following my heart for over 15 months, which established a strong connection, but surrender put her on loudspeaker.
Not only did ideas pour out of me daily (I went through 3 journals in 4 months - a new record), I would immediately know in my gut which of them I should prioritize and pursue.
As a Manifesting Generator in Human Design, building this more intuitive decision-making muscle, and moving away from my old methods (mental-gymnastics, analysis, and imposter syndrome inducing ego-games) was a revelation.
5. Surrender taught me that not all actions are created equal
Some of you have probably been thinking 'this all sounds fine in theory, but how does anything actually happen unless we take action?'
I understand. I had that same thought many, many times over these four months. What I found is that until I had completely let go of the need to control the outcome, the actions I would choose were mostly born from worry, anxiousness or self-doubt. These were the wrong actions. These were the attempts at taking control, but it was artificial control. They never took me anywhere, just kept me ‘busy’ and temporarily reduced anxiety.
Once I learned the art of surrender, connected deeply to my intuition, opened my eyes to the synchronicities, I discovered that my body would tell me what actions to be taking. A visceral pull towards, or push against could be felt in my whole being. It's subtle. So subtle that if I was distracted, in my head, or hurrying - I'd miss it. When I followed these intuitive impulses, I was amazed at what opened up and how much easier it was to stay in my flow.
Journal Prompts to unlock the art of surrender:
Where in my life can I loosen my grip?
How do I want to feel at the end of each day? What would need to be true for that to be possible, every day?
Where am I pushing or striving? How can I try to bring more stillness into this, and allow the answers to naturally unfold?
Where in my body do I feel a 'knowingness' that I often can't explain with my rational mind? How can I make space to listen to this more often?
Photo by pixpoetry