Embracing the In-Between
When you decide to make a change in your life, that moment is the beginning of the in-between. Whether it’s moving house, going on a first date, changing jobs, booking a plane ticket, pivoting a career, a break-up or divorce, or even a pregnancy — there’s a period of transition. The space of in-between. The space between ‘no longer’ and ‘not yet’.
How do you choose to spend that time?
Our human need for The In-Between
I have a not-so-secret interest in understanding people and why they make the choices they do. Of course, this is incredibly textured territory, complex, and often misunderstood, but that's why I am so intrigued by it. I tend to see the world in shades of grey, as spectrums of definition and fidelity. For me, there's just too much going on in-between two binary opposites to ignore.
One of those spectrums that fascinates me is the human need for Certainty juxtaposed with the human need for Uncertainty.
These are two of the Six Human Needs first published by Tony Robbins, who argues that six needs motivate all of us, and these six needs are at the core of all human action and decision-making.
THE NEED FOR CERTAINTY
The need for certainty means that, on some level, we are continually striving to feel safe and secure. As humans, we are physiologically wired to value predictability and a sense of comfort. Certainty gives us peace-of-mind and helps avoid pain, stress, anxiety, and worry. However, if everything was 100% certain, guess what happens? We get bored. Life becomes too predictable and just plain dull.
THE NEED FOR UNCERTAINTY
The need for uncertainty means that while we seek out certainty, we are simultaneously striving for variety and change on some level. Variety makes life a lot more interesting, unpredictable, challenging and fun.
IT IS A SPECTRUM - WE NEED A BALANCE OF BOTH
Where you sit on this spectrum is unique to you. Your experiences as a child will likely play a role in determining how much certainty vs uncertainty feels 'just right' to you. It is a threshold, an invisible boundary that many refer to as our comfort zone. Do you know where you sit on this spectrum?
Some of us sit more towards certainty on this need spectrum, and will naturally feel more comfortable when there is a clear destination, we can see the top of the stairs and feel confident we know how to get there.
If certainty is a primary driver for you, you probably tend to consistently deliver the same or better results in work, your relationships, and life.
How can you tell if your need for certainty is unbalanced? Ask yourself, when faced with too much uncertainty, in what ways do you attempt to artificially control outcomes, avoid situations or people, or lower your expectations and play small? What dreams have you dismissed because you couldn't see the top of the staircase?
Others of us lean more to the uncertainty end of the spectrum, and are more likely to feel invigorated when faced with the unknown. These people don't always need to see the top of the stairs to get started on their next adventure.
To them, the not knowing, the synchronicities and divine guidance that show up as they navigate through - well that is all part of the fun!
If uncertainty is a primary driver for you, ask yourself whether being resistant to a lot of certainty has resulted in frequent job or relationship changes. Do you harness your need for uncertainty to take positive risks (such as dreaming big and innovating at work), or are you achieving the adrenaline jolt you crave with unnecessary risks like starting arguments, gambling or thrill-seeking?
UNCERTAINTY IS MY PLAYGROUND
For those who know me, it will come as no surprise that I lean to the uncertainty end of the scale in my needs. On the surface - I've lived in four different cities, job-hopped a little too much, challenged conventions in parenting, investments, and relationships. I'd go so far as to say that in my 20s and 30s, I went a little too far with my lust for uncertainty.
I've (mostly) learned to harness my appreciation for uncertainty, the comfort in the discomfort, the thrill of the unknown and use it positively. It is one of the reasons I have thrived in roles that required big thinking and innovation of me. It is a core reason I felt brave enough to leave completely pivot my career and leave New York City earlier this year. I also like to think it is what makes me an effective coach and mentor.
My clients seek out a coach or a mentor when they're at the precipice of a transition, a period of change. I call that space the in-between. I believe magic lies there.
If we can be patient, get into our body, still the mind, and resist the urge to rush into the next chapter - the in-between can be a space where we learn a lot about ourselves.
Our needs, our dreams, our comfort zones, what excites us, what we long for, and what we settle for in the name of control or security - these all become clearer when we hold space for ourselves in the in-between. This is the power of embracing the in-between.
Next, I share my most powerful in-between story, when my threshold for Uncertainty was tested to its limits: What I Learned About Surrender While Waiting For My Work Visa. If this post resonates with you, I invite you to share your story of the in-between in the comments below.
Photo by Damon Hall