What Does It Mean To Be Sober Curious?
In April 2018, I made a sudden decision to quit drinking alcohol. At that time, I probably averaged 1-2 glasses of wine, about twice a month, when out with friends. I didn’t have a ‘drinking problem’ and, even now, I don’t have a problem with other people drinking around me. I am one of millions of people around the world who are ‘Sober Curious’.
Is this just another wellness trend, like activated charcoal in everything, nut mylks, keto diets and the war on gluten? Or is there more to this movement of people exploring life without alcohol?
This post is one woman’s take on what it means to be Sober Curious, after 18 months of sobriety.
Excessive alcohol consumption was normalized during my youth. At the age of seven or eight, I have distinct memories of being the bartender for my parents and their friends during BBQs and parties. I wasn’t just fetching beer from a fridge either, I was mixing spirits in a glass of ice and adding tonic or soda before serving it up to our guests. Today’s parents will reel in horror at this, I am sure. I know I do. Likely no surprise that by age twelve, I was binge drinking and using fake ID to go to clubs with much older friends.
Australians have a unique and interesting relationship with alcohol. There is a pervasive culture of ‘drink to get drunk’ and making fun of people who refuse a drink when it is offered. There is a passive-aggressive subtext to any social situation that if you are not drinking, you must be pregnant (women), ‘soft’ (men) or there’s just generally ‘boring’. Granted, this is getting better with more education available, but in my experience, this culture still persists — particularly amongst men. It’s something that international students are warned about on popular internet resources for preparing for student life in Australia.
While I grew out of my rebellious youth and created a more responsible relationship with alcohol, there were still times when I would make some pretty poor life choices while under the influence. Each time this happened, I became more clear about my boundaries and limits with alcohol, and I found it easy to give it up for months at a time, usually for reasons of health or emotional wellbeing in a relationship.
In 2018, there were two things that largely contributed to my decision to quit alcohol:
My annual mantra for that year was to ‘follow my heart’. In doing this, being more present in my body than in my head, I had begun to question what alcohol was adding to my life.
I’d turned 40 the year prior and I can honestly say that a light switched on for me in the year that followed. I had reached a point of knowing myself and who I am with such clarity, that I’d begun to view old decisions and behaviours with a new lens.
What does it mean to be Sober Curious?
“Sober Curious” is a term that has risen in popular culture since Ruby Warrington released a book with the same name, used to describe people who experiment with sobriety to see what positive changes it can bring to their health and lifestyle. Someone who is sober curious doesn’t identify as an addict, have a clinical drinking problem, nor are they abstaining from drinking for religious reasons. The decision is not always a life-long commitment to sobriety, but rather a willingness and open-minded curiosity to explore what life is like when sober.
When I found this community of people in New York City, I was intrigued, excited and eager to learn more. While I wasn’t a huge drinker at the time, any time I did drink, I felt destabilized in my mood and outlook for days afterward. I had begun to question the value of having a couple of drinks when the impact on my sense of wellbeing was felt for much longer than a standard hangover. Finding a tribe of people who were bold enough to be different and try an alternate route was exactly the push I needed to declare myself “sober” on April 8, 2018.
What I discovered during 18 months of Zero Alcohol
It’s been 18 months or so since that declaration and I’ve enjoyed it immeasurably. There have been some surprising benefits:
Meeting up with friends no longer defaults to dinner or a bar. I got more inventive with making plans with people - yoga classes together, a walk and talk around the park, theatre shows, museums, morning meditation experiences, qi gong in Union Square, farmers markets - I got to experience more of the city, and see new aspects of my friends’ personalities by removing the default mechanism for a meet-up.
Sober dating has been better than I expected. It’s allowed me to really listen when I meet a new person, and not invent ‘chemistry’ through associated intoxication. If the chemistry isn’t there, it’s obvious and I know early. If it is there - well, being sober makes it easier to savour that and appreciate it in full.
Some people found my sobriety threatening and assumed I was judging them for drinking. Others shared their sobriety stories with me and really opened up.
I discovered Kin Euphorics, Recess and many other new brands of non-alcoholic beverages that are experimenting with adaptogens, nootropics, and botanicals to offer alternative, health-first choices. I also connected with the founder of Listen Bar - a zero alcohol bar that serves “Actual Sunshine”. This community is a-buzz with entrepreneurial minds who are creating and making newness, in order to fill a rising need in culture.
I saved A LOT of money. Different choices on a number of levels allowed this to happen, it went well beyond the money I would usually have spent on alcohol.
My mood and outlook became more stable, my sleep and digestion improved, and I felt clearer at work. As with saving money, not all of this was 100% attributable to being sober - but it definitely allowed me to notice the difference and appreciate it!
My sober curious journey continues, and for now, I don’t see any need to start drinking alcohol again. While I sometimes miss a crisp glass of wine perfectly matched with a delicious meal - that feeling passes within a few moments, and I quickly and effortlessly return to all the benefits of being sober curious.
If you’re curious about being sober - let’s chat in the comments. This is a topic that I am still exploring, still learning and absolutely love talking about.